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This is the official grand text of

 The Grand Church of Everything Universal

 Going On In the World

As Founded and Directed by

The Highfalutin Grand Poobah Patriarchal Big Kahuna

 Eli X. Zanzibar the 14^th, in a long line of numerous big kahunas,

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The Supreme Copyright Date Shall Be

Two–Thousand and Seven the Blessed Year of Our Lord

In November the Merry Month of Our Lord

Published by

 Rare Universe

Absolutely All Righteous Rights Are Irregardlessly Reserved!

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Grand Lodge Contents:

The Grand Introduction: Highly Deep Occult Esoteric Secrets throughout All Time and Space

 Here on Earth in a Cosmic Nutshell

Chapter One: Those Top-Secret Secret Societies and their Syrupy Sick Secrets

Chapter Two: The Mysterious Akashic Records and What Secrets They Hold

Chapter Three: The Problem with One True Churchianity

Chapter Four: Those Pesky Door-To-Door Proselytizers, Out To Convert The Whole World! 

Chapter Five: The Debacle and Emancipation of the Freemasons

Chapter Six: The Conundrum of the Kabbalah

Chapter Seven: Redundant Ramifications of Rosicrucianism, or Something like It

Chapter Eight: How to Start Your Own Religion and Make Money Off It

Chapter Nine: The Pretentious Charlatanism of Swami Propagandananda

Chapter Ten: UFO Cults, Paranormal Churches, and Alien Avatars

Chapter Eleven: Cultivating a Culture of Cultamania

(not to be ascertained anywhere else in the world except in this specific volume!)

I take pen in hand as I sit at my archaic oaken desk, beneath a flickering oil lamp, fleshing forth this massive volume of agoraphobic proportions, because the naïve masses not only crave its spectacular portent, but they unconsciously demanded it!  They know it not, but they yearn for it, nevertheless!

For the sinister secret societies of the world throughout the dark ages, and other nondescript ages since the beginning of time itself, have been holding on to worthlessly invaluable secrets, which they claim are infinitely priceless, but I say they’re vastly full of rotten stinking crapola. Pardon my backwoods Swahili, but sometimes I just have to rant and rave and vent a little bit now and then.  It has nothing to do with the fact that I have anything against some of these -- a lot of these – alright, ALL of these secret societies and tedious traditions, but it's just that they get on my last righteous nerves, get under my scrawny skin, and make the hair stand on my head with fury, when they do things like spout that they have all these great secrets that they don't want us to know about.  But what if we DO want to know about them? Are their arrogant egos so big -- which means they can't fit through the temple door -- that they have to keep secrets from us as if they’re in control and we have nothing to say about it?

Well, folks, guess what?  I did everyone a favor.  I secretly joined a few of these secret societies, cults, and sects, under a false identity -- including phony hairpiece, glasses, and mustache -- and stealthily and cautiously gathered various and sundry secrets pertaining to this immense amount of wisdom, knowledge, and information of BSoterica that I hastily stuffed into this book which pompously purports to disclose said secrets to everyone here and now.      

Then I ingeniously founded my own religion so I could have my own secrets to share – or NOT! -- with the misguided masses of this miserable world.

Now, ladies and gentlemen, for the very first time anywhere and everywhere -- in spite of the fact that I was caught red-handed by a couple of these secretive cults with both hands and feet in their cookie jar -- I humbly and with great pride present to you this, my Grand Akashic Cosmopedia, that should be proliferated in big-name bookstores everywhere!  Secret societies everywhere, eat your bloody hearts out!

Let it hereby be known, that there are an awful lot of top-secret secret societies at large, although some of them are pretty small.  The fact is, they are very anally-restrictive, cork-assed, stuck-up, highfalutin elitists that think they are hogging a bunch of secrets -- ones that they probably created themselves so as to make themselves look cool and uppity and prestigious and all that idiotic crapola.

One of their secrets that they don't want you to know about is that they believe they are right, because everyone else is wrong, due to the non-factual idea that they own "The One True Religion." You'll see this idiotic notion in most churches, religions, cults, sects, denominations, and pseudo-denominations throughout all time and history -- and most likely prehistory as well. But if this crazy midget-minded idea was true, it would make God a pretty petty god, yes, a quite small-brained deity that has nothing better to do then select a delectable chosen few for paradise and ruthlessly send the rest to sizzling hot lakes of fire. But I personally doubt God is a sick, twisted psychopath.  But evidently these one-and-only true church-goers believe this.  How sad.

Furthermore, because of this phony fact, they believe that world domination, by themselves of course, is the only virtuous recourse for mankind in general.  Not that it will save themselves or anyone else -- it probably won't -- but this excuse gives them license (or so they deludedly believe!) to further enforce that they are right and everyone else is dead wrong.  One World Order, One World Government, One World Religion, One World Monopoly, One World Idiocy, whatever you want to call it, in the end it will end up being One World Crapola.

Another secret they selflessly clutch in the greedy little hands is that God isn't actually out there somewhere, but in here somewhere.  Yes, somewhere in your navel.  That's where all the lint goes, by the way.  God’s in us and God’s in everything and God is us, but they won't tell us that because it's a highly classified, esoteric occult secret, and it's for them to know and us to be in the dark about (unless we can dare to figure it out on our own!).  They say we're blatantly ignorant until we realize whatever the heck the truth is. Although the truth is supposed to set us free, they want to keep that freedom to themselves and let us remain as prisoners.

 They want the corner market on God all to themselves and not let us in on the cosmic goods.  They want to have the special realization of God all to themselves and not give us any of it.  Isn't that selfish of them or what?  Oh yeah, they say they'll give us this particular absolutely confidential secret, but we have to join their church or cult or club or whatever, as long as we pay an exorbitant fee!  Sheesh!

Anyway, their mission is obviously to conceal the truth, or at least create their own truth and bury it under a bushel away from the light, because they clearly have something to hide.  That's why they can't reveal the truth in plain sight, because they really don't have it!  I think if they had the whole kielbasa, they’d freely give it out.  Maybe nobody has the truth, because I don't see anybody giving it to me.  But you know what they say, the truth is out there, so we all have to keep looking.

Since I felt royally jipped by all these stuck-up, syrupy sick societies, I created my own absolutely secret society, that no one will ever know about!  But I'll tell you all about it in a later chapter.  A highly reputable guy like me has to compete with the rest of the fraudulent groups out there, you know.

The Akashic Records are found in your local public library down in the basement in the far corner right next to the janitor’s bathroom.  It's a small room but it contains a bunch of dusty file cabinets and boxes and crates, all containing crumpled files with tons of information about a lot of things.  Or so my informant has informed me.  Because they won't allow me down there, since I'm not a card-carrying member of their anally-repressive club or any of the secret societies for that matter -- unless I were to create my own cult and make my own secrets and make it all legitimately legal. This way I figured I'd have at least half a chance at getting in the stuck-up, snobbish joint!

From this point on, I am hereby the Highfalutin Grand Poobah Patriarchal Big Kuhuna Eli Xavier Zanzibar the 14^th, in a long long line of other big kuhunas, and I am Supreme Grand Overseer of the Grand Church of Everything Universal Going On In the World. I run the Supreme Grand Lodge which is the Grand Headquarters of my Illustrious Church, but its location is top-secret, which I will reveal to no one, ever -- unless you join up and become a member. Here's my legal papers, gawk at them and be amazed!

So that's exactly what I did, I became a legitimate church with its own bigwig leader, that being myself, of course. That'll show ‘em!

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Well!  How do you like that?  That little prank didn't get me in the door. I suppose they didn't like the fact that I had to go through some sordid online diploma mill.  Oh well.  Back to the drawing board.

Nevertheless, some of the secret societies boast that the Akashic Records are some ethereal, psychic, cosmic joint or extra-dimensional level of nonexistent existence that we can't see, hear, taste, smell, feel, bite, pee on, or fart and belch at.  So what good is it?  Sounds like a big dumb theory to me. Mumbo-jumbo-in-the-sky type crapola.  But I’m an open-minded flexible guy, I'm blatantly wide open to crazy idiotic notions like this. It's right up there with how I feel about heaven, hell, purgatory, earth, McDonalds, and all the rest of that crapola.

Anyway, this Akashic Record spiel seems to hold the same kind of secrets that these anally-regurgitative secret societies possess, so it sounds like some kind of cosmic conspiracy going on against the rest of us.  For instance, it seems to have recorded within its countless gazillions of files how it all began, what's happening now, and how it's going to all end. So it seems to have the big cosmic answer regarding whether or not it all started with Creation or Evolution, or maybe even somewhere in between, or none of the above. But something-or-other exists out there, or over here, or somewhere-or-other, because it all had to start somehow-or-other. Personally, I think it's all an optional delusion, and nothing is happening at all, we're just imagining everything.

But back to these ridiculous records of the Akashic kind.  This ginormous Mega-Library of the Cosmos seems to contain the knowledge of all things, past, present, and future, because it's got a record on everything and everybody that existed, that is existing now, and will ever exist, so I reckon that means our police records are up there too and will never be expunged!  Darn!  I still have a stupid arrest warrant pending for breaking and entering some Grand Lodge of some grand highfalutin secret society somewhere that day I was doing information-gathering for this fabulous book.  Being on the lamb isn't fun, you know.  Ahem! Anyway, moving right along . . .

There's also the theory that the Akashic Records is just a fancy mumbo-jumbo term for the Mind of God. That makes a lot more sense than the rest of that other gobbledygookish hoopla.  Because you'll find out that most secret societies are full of flowery terminology and jargon in their illustrious texts, such as:

"We possess the long sought after Girl of Grape Rice, the much yearned for  Bomb of Juilliard, the desperately desired Philanthropist’s Bone, and even the rejuvenating juices of the Extractor of Strife, and lastly the legendary Sock of Ages, but first you must stumble down the Mellow Slick Road in search of the Lizard of Gauze, for all of these things  all men and women seek, all who trod the path  of Elimination."

Incidentally, I spoofishly spiffed up these words I pilfered from some New Age text from one of those not too credible cults.  If you can't figure out what the actual words really are, after plenty of head-scratching and eye-squinting, even if you've read these kind of metaphysical books before, then you're just flat-out in the dark -- just like I used to be.  Time to join one of those crazy cults, or even one of those one true churches so your name can be listed in the Nook of Strife.

Whether you want to call it one true religiosity, the absolute authoritarian authentic faith, the singularly genuine chosen religion, the one-and-only universal church, irregardless religious totalitarianism, or whatever crazy moniker you want to give it, it's all a bunch of self-aggrandizemental, arrogant crapola! 

            The problem is, each religion, tradition, faith, cult, sect, fad, craze, etc., believes that this erroneous, arrogant concept refers only to themselves and no one else, that everyone else who believes this about themselves, is totally full of putrid crap which will send them straight to hell in a dilapidated rickshaw.  But most likely the particular cult accusing others of going to that helldacious fiery brimstone joint is the one going there instead. But since too many of them believe this, they will probably all go there!  Unless it doesn't exist literally, but only figuratively, mentally, psychological, emotionally, spiritually, and let's not forget monetarily. Yes! Some greedy churches have hoodwinked their members into thinking they have to pay their way into heaven!  Now if that's not absolute total blasphemous crapola, I don't know what is!

Regarding the phony one-true-elite-group-concept, take the Rosicrucians for a shocking example. Surprisingly, there is not just one group for them all, but many, but each believes that there can be only one.  Greedily, each one wants the monopoly of total Rosicrucianism. Alright then, guess how many Rosicrucian groups there actually are nowadays?  I don't know, I didn't count them lately.  But there's an awful lot of them, and each one thinks it's right, and all the others are dead wrong.  While each one claims that it is the "One True Rosicrucian Group," each accuses the others as fraudulent phonies, pretentious pretenders, cheesy charlatans, and so on and so forth.  Well, I say either they’re all wrong or they’re all right – although many of them fall to the far left. 

You can’t have a total monopoly on Rosicrucianism when there is so many of them bumbling around spouting their own individualized crackpot credos.  Why can't they all just form a big circle and hold hands and sing “Koombiaya”  or maybe even “Will the Circle Be Unbroken,” or some such old-fashioned outdated tune.  Their motto should be, "Let's all be Rosicrucians together!"  But no freaking way! They each vainly boast, "I'm a true genuine highfalutin Rosicrucian -- and your NOT!" Takes a lot of guts and ego to have that kind of attitude.  Whatever happened to humility and meekness and all that mushy stuff?  Doesn't it say somewhere in some biblical type scripture-or-other, "The sneaks shall inherit the Earth"? But I think that cleverly implies that those sneaky shysters only think the world is their oyster, or some such crap. It's not the vainglorious, the self-righteous, nor the elitists that shall inherit the Earth.  Well, I guess they're all going to hell in a broken down rickshaw after all.  Except I don't believe in hell, or heaven, or purgatory, or earth, because they're all just freaking illusions in our freaking garbled-up minds. Down East they call it Maya.  But we'll save that for a rainy day chapter.

And of course, we all know that the Roman Scholastic Church has its infallibly emphatic position that it is the universal truly one-and-only-churchianity extravaganza, and all others are fraudulent phonies, unless they grovel, plead, and beg for mercy, apologizing for being dead wrong, and finally being diabolically indoctrinated into the Correct Church of Right-on-ness, to be brainwashed and hornswoggled into its one-true-monopoly game. 

Fat chance of that ever happening!  Because all those other churches are busy being the one true church also.  But is it possible that they are all right in this crazy notion?  Or are they all wrong? All or nothing, I say.  Personally, I think they're all the blind leading the blind, and pretty soon they'll all fall into the same ditch together. 

It probably all boils down to the fact that it all boils down to nothing. If the one-true-faith insanity is just a big bag of propaganda that’s being shoveled down our gullets like putrid manure, then obviously all of these religions, traditions, denominations, cults, sects, and get-religiously-rich-quick-schemes are actually just hunky-dory in the Big Man Upstair’s eyes, although some are pretty mediocre, but that's better than all the highfalutin pomp-and-circumstance you get with those conceited one-true-church-mongers.

Besides, there's one other reason none of these religions, churches, cults, etc., are the one true faith -- that's because the one I founded IS! Ha!

One day there was a knock at the door, and to my surprise and amazement, upon opening it reluctantly, I beheld two men in dark business suits, one carrying a satchel.  My first guess was CIA, come to close my church down, probably discovering it was illegitimately conceived -- which I claim isn’t true, but I'd have to prove that in court -- and probably lose.

Then one of the stiff suits handed me a familiar tract, and I knew right away who they were -- Jehovah's Witlesses!  Before Satchel-man finished his "Did you know that God's church needs you?"  question, I had rudely interrupted him with my exclamation of, "Sorry, I hear my phone ringing, gotta go!" which it wasn't, but I slammed the door hard, then bolted it.  I would never let them convert me!  I didn't want to have anything to do with their one-true-church, because I have my own, the Grand Church of Everything Universal Going On In the World, over which I am the Grand Overseer, as you may recall.  Incidentally, you're welcome to come to my fabulous church -- you can join for free!  Just donate no less than $1000 per year!

Anyway, later on that week, a different set of jokers came to the door, wearing turbans on their heads and bushy beards, incongruous to their neatly tailored business suits.  I first thought they were bomb-carrying terrorists, until they announced, "Good day to you, sir, we are from Allah’s Beholders, and we want to ask you --" SLAM! My heart raced like a track-runner pumped up on steroids!  It was worse than I had thought!  I could handle a terrorist with a bomb under his baggy jacket, but a fanatical Moslem cultists?! They had obviously created a cheap imitation of that other culty group that just sent their door-to-door converters the other day.  Can you ever get enough of them? But these Islamic peace-loving groupies have a specialized way of converting people, because their enticing motto is, "Ask them, then tell them, and if they refuse, kill them! "  In other words, first they ask you politely, with a scimitar blade at your throat, and if you refuse, they tell you that you have no choice but to convert to their pacifistic, non-aggressive religion, and if that doesn't convince you, it's off with your head! That's why those Allah’s Eyewitnesses or whatever are so scary, while you're ordinary bomb-blasting terrorist pales in comparison. Rather than reluctantly join their demented cult at scimitar point, I would be more willing to be blown to smithereens by a suicidal terrorist, because at least I'd be taking him with me.  But then that's his way of thinking too. Hmmm.

Even the Mormons do it, and when you become one of them, you and all your wives get to file into a large spaceship and populate all the planets of the galaxy! Or so one of my reliable sources claims, but sometimes said party is often at an all nighter party in a drunken stupor.  Which makes his information all the more reliable.  I am also told that these Mormon connivers have a way of advancing their membership without even trying, because their goal is to proselytize the whole freaking world.  All they have to do is come to your door and talk to you, and get your name and address, and whether you like it or not, you're an instant member!  At least you are as soon as they submit your name and address into their ginormous database.  Someday soon, all 60.5 billion trillion inhabitants of the earth will be Mormons!  According to their crazy rules at any rate.  Well, I hope Mormon heaven isn't so bad then, especially if it involves populating as many planets as possible, plus converting all the aliens into Mormonism to boot!

Considering this diabolical denomination was founded by a swindler that wrote a fantasy story that he hornswoggled a bunch of people to believe was some New Age biblical scripture, only second to the Holy Bible, and building a church around it, the Moron Church of Late-Bloomer Scmucks is exactly what this world needs!  More lies and propaganda anyone?

            The Utilitarian Church of Mooners will come to your door with cheap jewelry made of breakable plastic in an attempt to bamboozle you with cut-rate materialism, but whether you buy any of it or not, they'll try to sell their church and stuff it down your unsuspecting throat.

            I vehemently despise these types of proselytizers and all such harassing Bible-thumpers!  Especially when they don't listen to you when you say you currently attend your church of choice, or sleazy cult or whatever.  They just bully their way along trying to convert the crap out of you anyway –with total disrespect and irreparable  irregardlessness to your churchy choice.  It makes me want to grab the Bible out of the idiots’ hand and thump him over the head with it!

How do you keep these anally-regurgitative door-to-door proselytizers away, you may ask.  Here's a few suggestions:

*Open the door to them carrying a loaded shotgun, aim it at them, cock it noisily, and growl like a corn whiskey guzzling deranged hilljack, "Git off ma land, ya mangy trespassin’ varmints, or I’ll plug ya with hot steel!"

            *Don't open the door when they knock.  Ignore the heck out of them.  Pretend you're asleep, or even snore real loud if that helps. If that doesn’t work, next time make sure your lights are all turned off, and your stereo or TV or both, and just pretend you're not at home.  That usually works, until they look in through the window, seeing you hiding in a corner giggling – so make sure all your drapes are close, too, dummy!

*Face them, grin broadly from ear-to-ear with wild bulging eyes, and open your jacket, revealing an elaborate looking bomb strapped to your waist.  Your thumb has to be wriggling spastically over the trigger mechanism in your hand. Of course it's a fake bomb (unless you're really serious about getting rid of them -- and yourself too), so if they don't leave, just scream real loud and act like a raving maniac until they do.  For added effect, you can chase them as  they run to their car, and once they pull out and tear down the street, its mission accomplished -- and they'll never come back again!

*Use their own medicine against them, like I did.  Before they get a chance to say anything, enthusiastically act like you're trying to convert them to your church or cult or fraternity or whatever, with your special religious handbook gripped in your hand, waving it in front of their puzzled faces.  If they don't leave, start hitting them over their heads with it like most aggressive Bible-thumpers do.

            *If none of these work, you're screwed, bub.  But I suggest you try making up your own crap -- and if any of it works, please let me know!  There are too many of these freaking door-to-door converters assailing me lately and I'm running out of material!

More excruciatingly exciting chapters to come!

 Sometime this Millennium! But if you're lucky, in weeks, or even mere days to come . . .