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Thrice upon a long time ago, there was an ethical Elf named Eli, and a Darwinian dwarf named Darwin. They were the best of friends and lived in a nonexistent mythical place called the Mid-Upper Westernmost Bottom-Earth place, which was just North of the Left-Handed Lower Down-Below Upper-Earth joint. It also lay just East of the Farthest-most Middle Southbound-Earth realm, and then just a tad West of the Nearby Crosswise Diagonal-Earth locality too.  A few more such regions existed across the many lands of this hypothetical fantasy world, just to confuse the dimwitted inhabitant B and us too. But no one really cared about these hapless folks, anyway. Mass confusion was the norm in those strange times of pre-future eras; aye, those wretched days of yester-yore.

In all these ridiculous places, joints, realms, and localities, there lived many different kinds of races, like elves, dwarves, pixies, goblins, giants, dingbats, dingalings, nitwits, halfwits, fullwits, mediocre-wits, and no-wits at all. Plus there were flying scaly dragons, gregarious gryphons, long-horned unicorns, frogs that turned into princes and back again, and beauties that hung out with hybrid beasts, also some sleeping beauties and black beauties, and wicked witches from the North, South, East and West, and also warlocks from nowhere in particular, and sorcerers that conjured themselves out of their own orifices, and absent-minded wizards that always misplaced their wands and spellbooks, or accidentally turned things into other things they shouldn=t have been turned into in the first place. And then there were humans! Aye, there were those hairy Neanderthal bipedal primates that stood upright, except when they had to bend down to pick up something they dropped, kicked, lost, sneezed, vomited, etc., or to do touch-your-toes exercises.

Now, backwards to our story, which we never really started. Until now.

This balderdash-enhanced and malarkey-monikered place of Bottom-Earth was flourishing with grand forests and spanning ice-frosted mountain ranges and twisty-turny rivers and creeks.  There lived in these places various creatures, most of which we mentioned above, but most particularly in Bottom-Earth itself there thrived two contrary species, that being elves and dwarves.  They didn’t always get along, but they didn't exactly get in big bloody wars either.  Sometimes they squabbled over trivial matters, but these things usually simply fizzled out.  Quite often the elves just kept to themselves, whether that be amidst plants and trees or along the rivers, and the dwarves crankily isolated themselves within their caves are holes in the ground.  But sometimes, as in once in a great while, you might find a dwarf and an elf somewhat remotely sorta kinda getting along.  That would quite nicely typify Darwin and Eli. Why they even put up with each other was a mystery to most folks -- especially to themselves.

However, Darwin and Eli didn=t ever agree on anything, because they never stopped arguing about everything, which is why they were such really good friends. They got along so well because they always had something to talk about -- although that sounded like a pretty lame excuse for friendship. But whatever they mindlessly babbled about was usually something they heartily disagreed with, but what the heck! It put excitement in their otherwise dismal, boring, monotonous life here in the Mid-Upper Westernmost Bottom-Earth place, where danger lurked behind every door, window, floorboard, rafter, rooftop, hole in the wall, or attic and basement, keeping you on your toes at a moment=s notice, feeling scarily alive while worrying about impending doom at every turn, every step, every word spoken, every thought thunked, and every bad joke told. Aye indeed, some hideous monster could jump out from behind any tree, or bush, or boulder, or some large ogre standing there, to scare the bejeebers out of you, then gobble you up for lunch.

 Yes, this mythical world was that drab!  There's not a wink of slumber from you when the night skulked over you like some evil cloud of darkness with seething smoldering eyes burning down into your very dreams, turning them into blatant nightmares of mass destruction! AAAAAHHH!!!

Phew! Okay now that we thoroughly got your attention Buh B we can get on with the REAL story of blithe Elvin malarkey and dimwitted Dwarfish poppycock! As we were rudely attempting to explain, Darwin and Eli always had such lively conversations. For example:

AYes it does!@

ANo it don=t!@

AYes it does!@

ANo it don=t!@  

Hmmm . . . Since we just now jumped into the middle of their little verbal skirmish, we have no idea in Right-Footed Middle Up-Above Sideways-Earth what they are bandying back and forth about!  It=s all mindless drivel from where you and I sit, stand, or stagger if you’re soused out of your gourd. Let=s sneak back a tad, wind back the old late Great-Grandfather clock and see what all the calamitous commotion was about.

As they carelessly hiked along a random dirt trail through the dangerous murky redwood forest filled with a cacophony of noisy little chattering or chirping animals, especially squirrels and birds, bickering in their own furry or feathery furious ways, the two blithering buffoons babbled thusly:

AWell, Darry, I just don=t know.@ Eli shook his thin-necked head. He was a thin, wiry Elvin gent with a shaggy shock of corn silk golden-yellow hair. He fancied sharp pointy ears and there was a perpetual wide grin planted on his thin-lipped, rosy-cheeked little face, and he had a cute little button of a nose. But then this blatantly describes most elves in this particular fantasy world -- because in some other one they probably look a lot different.  However, there does exist the black-garbed, white-faced Gothic variety from the Faraway  Near South Narrow-Earth district. Either way, many folks called them geeks, dweebs, or nerds, all fairly new words recently discovered in Mid-Upper Westernmost Bottom-Earth, and the other cross-sectioned-off Earth type joints, realms, localities, and such parameters that lay around here and there and everywhere and yet nonsensically nowhere in particular.

AYou don=t know?! You don=t know!? You don=t know?!@ squawked Darwin, a very stout and stumpy shaggy-headed, scraggly brown-bearded little fellow, who was as short as he was wide, or as tall as he was fat, if that makes some semblance of sense. AAnd you don=t know what exactly? Huh?@

AWhat? Huh? I don=t know exactly what you=re even blathering about. That=s what.@ Eli giggled elfishly, in that silly little way that all elves giggle.

AEvolution! Evolution! Ha! That=s what I=m friggin’ babblin’ about!@ Darwin cackled in his nasal dwarfish cackly way.

AOh. That must be one of those dwarfish words. One I have no idea what it means.@

ABy Crag, you nimwump! Evolution! To evolve! To come from! Like, uh, humans evolve from monkeys, pixies from insects, wizards from buzzards, orcs from tree-rot, and of course elves evolve from plants.@

AHuh?@ Eli scratched his head, even more confused. AElves eat plants, you mean? I suppose, yes. We do love to chomp on leafy green things. I love leafy salads, incidentally.@

AWhat? Eat? No! Evolve! Not to eat! To come from something else!@

AOh! Well, I once came from Evanstonburgshire where a lot of plants grow. But now I live in Grovinbanistershireburg. But, they have a lot of plants there too, come to think of it.@

Darwin shook his woolly head and growled, AYou just don=t get it, does ya?@

AI don=t? What is it that I don=t get, Darwin? Please tell me. I never understand the Dwarvin ways. It=s all above my skull.@

AHey, you=re the one who=s a friggin’ head taller than me, by Crag! Why aintcha smarter than you look? Huh? Answer me that! Huh, plant-spawn?@

AWhat do you mean?@

ANever mind.@ Darwin grumbled.

AWell, what do dwarves evolve from, then? Tree stumps?@

AWhat!! No, idiot! That=s goblins!@

AOh, so goblins are cousins to dwarves, I see.@ Eli giggled.

ANo, no, no! We gots nothin’ to do with them hideous uglies!@

ASounds like siblings then.@

AYou=re tryin’ to stoke my dander up, aintcha, fairy-fart?@

ANo, not at all, not too much anyway. But you never told me what dwarves evolved from.@

AAh- HA! We comes from ourselves!@ Darwin cackled arrogantly.

AEh? What? Huh?@ Eli blurted, looking perplexed.

AWe don=t come from anything’! Dwarves is always been dwarves! Plain and simple!@ Darwin grinned proudly, his little chest shoved out for further effect. “We’s always was superior, never was inferior. Ha!"

AI see,@ Eli=s eyes rolled up inside his head. AYou and your silly Dwarfish ways! Sheeesh!@

AWe dwarves is too special to be affected by evolution, it circumvendulates around us ‘cuz we is above it!@

ANow that=s just a bunch of hot air you're blowing out your--@

ANope. Just a friggin’ fact. All other wretched creatures gotta evolve, though. Well, you could say we evolve and become more and more dwarfish, or more smarter than ever, I reckon. Yeah, that=s right. We dwarves evolve in smarts B up here!@ Darwin beamed, knocking on his hollow-sounding noggin.@

Eli muttered, AIf hot air can be smart.@

Not hearing his companion, Darwin added, ASo I guess you can say rightly, evolution affects all living critters.@

ASo dead ones don=t count?@

AWhat? No! Dead things decomposulate.@

AHow awful!@ Eli didn=t really know what that Dwarfish word meant exactly, but it sure sounded awful to him. It made him imagine worms wriggling inside some greasy, grimy gopher=s guts.

AYeah, dead things get all filled with worms and maggots and they rot and stink and --@

AShut up! You=re making me sick!@ Eli did look a little green. But that was normal for elves when they didn=t feel good.

AOh, uh, sorry,@ Darwin snickered grinfully.

AAnyway, I don=t particularly believe in your Dwarfish things, you know. I got my own Elfish things to believe in. We don=t have, uh, evilution, for instance.@

Darwin chuckled, AYou don=t? Even if it=s a friggin’fact anywhere and everywhere else? In all these friggin’ upside-down/right-side-up Earthen realms of all existence everywheres?@

AAccording to you!@ Eli shot. AJust because you believe it, doesn=t make it true.@

AYes it does!@

ANo it don=t!@

AYes it does!@

ANo it don=t!@

So, this is where we jumped in way back when, not so long ago. Must we continue?  We sigh heavily, for continue we must, in dreaded reluctant anticipation of further stupidity from these two numbskulled woodsy-type folks from a backwoods nonexistent mythical place of our twisted demented imaginations.

Since these are the only kinds of things these two babbling buffoons have in common, that is, having absolutely nothing in common, they seem to get along just fine together, whether they strolled through the dangerous woods where wild hungry predators (or large ogres) could eat them at any time, or meandered into some hustle-bustlesome busybody burg where a crowd of witless passers-by might haphazardly stumble into you and trample you to death, or B alright, you get the idea.

Eli blithely hopped up over a long dead, termite-infested redwood that crossed the dirt path, while Darwin had to grunt while climbing up over it and plop down on the other side.

Skipping merrily down the trail, Eli ventured to say, ABut then whatever I believe must be true too, just because I believe in it.@

Slapping bark dust and termite-crud off his clothes, Darwin parried, ANah. Don=t work the same way with elves.@

AYou=re just a stupid bullheaded old dwarf! You think the whole world revolves around you!@

AIt does! Exactly right! The whole friggin’ world evolves around us! Dwarves is the center of the universe! But don=t tell anyone that. It=s a classified secret!@ Darwin cackled idiotically.

Eli shook his head and said some choice unprintable words under his breath. Then he mumbled AYou=re hopeless.@

AHopeless shmopeless!" Darwin spat. "You=s just sayin’ what you is! Besides, what else could there be besides evolution? It=s the only thing that makes sense.@

AThat=s where you=re dead wrong!  We elves have a rich tradition of worthy wisdom. But it=s a classified secret, so don=t tell anyone!@ Eli giggled.

AYeah? Like what?@ 

AYou see, we elves believe in something called Reincarnation.@

AWhat?! Oh, that=s so hokey!@

AHuh?@

ASo hokey!@

AOh, >sohokey.= Another stupid Dwarfish word.@

ASheesh! You=re impossible!@

AIs that what it means?  Impossible? I=m a sohokey?@

AMight as well!@ Darwin shook his shaggy head.

ASohokey! I like that new word!@ Eli beamed.

ASohokey Shmohokey! You=re impossible!@

AI take it to mean our ways work for us elves but are impossible to you lowly dwarves.@

Darwin huffed, ALike I says, you=re impossible!@

Eli plodded on, AAnyway, we elves believe in reincarnation.@

AAn impossible word.@

ATo you it is. So it=s sohokey to you. But not sohokey to me.@

Darwin groaned, holding his fat little head between his fat little hands because it began to ache. This normally happened anyway, after the two misfits got on to talking for quite some time.

Eli went on, "But you can have your evilution, since you evolved from fat squat tree stumps or whatever."

"Egads!"  Darwin was pulling his hair out now. "You just twist all my words all about like crazy pretzels!"

Ignoring him, Eli explained, “Your silly word means you come from something else.  Reincarnation means we come back again.@

AOh. That=s all? I come back all the time! I go to my hole in the ground, do some minin’, I go away for a while, then come back again.@

Eli shook his shiny corn-silk blond head, ANot exactly. It means I come back a different elf. Same but different.@

ASee! That=s crazy talk! You sound insane! It=s so hokey Ber, impossible Ber, preposteratin’! Ya see, in evolution, you comes from somethin’ else and that=s it! But in this recartionation B er whatever--@

AReincarnation!@

AYeah! That! Anyway, in that stupid thing, you say you come back again a different Elf?! Sheesh! You make no sense at all! So it=s a bunch of malarkey!@

AUh, what does that mean? Is that like sohokey?@ Eli scratched his head, AOr do you mean that what I’m saying is high wisdom that goes over your fat skull?@

ANo! Jeepers! By Crag, what I mean is it=s a whacked-out crackpot thing to believe! So it can=t be true! Malarkey!@

AWell, according to Elves, this evilution can=t be true either. Whoever heard of a creature eating something then it becomes what it eats! Sheeesh!@

Darwin pulled on his beard strands, AAaaaaaaaaaaaahhh! No, no no! And NO! You STILL ain't getting’ it, does ya?@

Eli shrugged, AI suppose not. Any more then you get reincarnation.@

ABecause it=s malarkey! Balderdash! Hogwash! Poppycock!@

AHmmm. More silly Dwarfish words. You=re just trying to go over my skull again.@

ANo! Things do that naturally! All on their own! No friggin’ help from me!@

After a long pause, the trail grew wider and the trees thinned out, which was a clear sign that a burg or shire or hole-in-the-ground was up ahead a few stone=s throws or so. But they made a point to always avoid such horrible awful be-peopled human places. So they took a different trail.

Then Eli broke the silence. AHey, Darwin.@

ANow what?@ the dwarf asked defensively, prepared to ward off mindless elfish malarkey with raised stubby arms.

ADo you know what the humans believe?@

ANo. What?@

AThey believe they have one measly life here in this world. Then fzzzzzt!@

AHuh?@ Darwin screwed his face up weirdly at Eli.

AFzzzzzzzt! That=s all she wrote!@