by R. R. Stark

 

A  celestial legal drama of tragically comedic proportions!

 

*      *      *      *      *      * 

 

Going to Hell wasn=t so easy.  Nor was Heaven, for that matter.

Orville Snodgrass was void of any real intelligence, and plumb full of naivety.  Plus he tended to take took things too hard. You see, when he died, just a moment ago, he figured he=d go straight to Hell, as sin-laden as he was -- or imagined. But when the white airplane he traveled in landed softly on a huge cloud bank with a nine-hundred and twelve story pearly white court house, he felt relieved. For at first he figured he would go straight to Heaven after all.  Perhaps he just got lucky, and maybe St. Peter flubbed up the Book of Life, meaning  he would go straight through the Pearly Gates and up those wonderful Streets of Gold! Maybe he=d find a casino and a red light district somewhere up there.

Fat chance, Orville! Don=t get your pathetic hopes up too soon!

But, little did he know, he was actually going to the Highest Court in the land B or above the land anyway B to see whether he would go to Heaven or Hell.  But, at the moment, the cosmic scales tilted NOT in his favor in going to the Place Upstairs.

At any rate, this was his Judgement Day, no denying that.

As he departed the plane, stumbling down the rickety metal stairs, he met a broadly smiling balding portly fellow decked out in an all white business suit and carrying an all white briefcase. He also had a trimmed white beard. The grinning elder stuck out his hand and the two shook.

AOrvey, ole boy! Good to see you, at last!@ the jolly fellow greeted.

Orville Snodgrass felt the good strong grip of this cheerful gentleman. Then he dared to ask, AUh, are you -- God?@

The elder fellow busted out laughing. ANo, no no! Ha ha ha ha! Now, I=ve been confused with Saint Nick a few times. But -- am I God? Ha! You kill me!@

AUh, no thanks. I was never that bad, uh, I don=t think.@ Orville frowned.

The white suited white bearded gent laughed uproariously again. AWere you a comedian back on Earth?@

AUh, no.@

AYou should have been.  It would have saved your soul. God loves a god laugh. Ha!@

AI see.@ Orville squirmed uneasily. AThen exactly who are you?@

AWho am I?  Glad you asked.  Why, I=m your lawyer. James P. Raphael at your service!@ He stuck his hand out again, and they shook heartily again.

Orville Snodgrass remarked, AI=m surprised there are lawyers in heaven.@

AWhy? Where else would they be?@

AHmm. I don=t know exactly.@ Orville rubbed his chin, looking off into space.

Mr. Raphael looked down B at his toes. Then he looked at Orville and said, AThe fact is, Heaven needs lawyers.@

AReally? But everyone hates them. They lie, cheat, and steal B legally.@

ASad but true. But you can=t live without them either! Hell of a pickle, eh, Orvey ole boy?@

AYeah, I guess.@ Orville frowned again.

AAnyway, not to burst your little bubble, but this place isn=t exactly heaven.@

AOh, really? Could have fooled me.@ Orville looked all around the white beclouded vastness.

AThis is right outside of heaven actually. The Pearly Gates are right over there.@  The heavenly lawyer pointed way across their particular cloud bank, over to another massive, hovering cloud where Orville had to squint to see a huge, spiring metropolis surrounded by a wall made out of every kind of stone imaginable of every color imaginable, and the front gate was the actual Pearly Gates themselves, pearls and gates and all.

ACome with me.@ Mr. Raphael walked across the cloud field and toward the huge monolithic white court tower building that stuck up through yet higher clouds above. Orville Snodgrass craned his neck back till he felt his head would break off. Then he looked down, rubbing his sore neck.

ANeck ache, eh?@ Mr. Raphael mused. ALife on Earth is a bitch, eh? Gets you right in the neck.@ He judo chopped the back of his own neck for effect.

AYeah, whatever.@ Orville mumbled.

AGuess what, Orvey ole boy?@

AWhat?@

AThere=s two kinds of people in the world.@

AReally?@

AYes. Saints and sinners.@

AOh.@

ABut that theory is flawed. There=s everybody in between too.@

 AHmm.@

AI got a better one.@

AWhat?@

AThere=s two kinds of people in the world. Those who always say, >there=s two kinds of people in the world,= and those who don=t.@ Mr. Raphael cracked a quick guffaw.

AHuh?@ Orville looked confused.

ANever mind.@ Shaking his head, the lawyer decided he=d better stick with lawyering for a long while, and not anything else.

They came upon a long sidewalk made of polished pearls, lined with shimmering diamonds on each side. As the two walked, they talked.

Then Orville dared to ask, ASo how soon do I get me one of those many mansions I keep hearing about? I bet you have heavenly Realtors too.@

Then Mr. Raphael stopped, and so did Orville. The lawyer gravely said, ALet me get this straight. You think your going straight to heaven?@

Orville shrugged, AWell, seeing the plane didn=t go down there,@ he pointed down for effect, AI figured it was obvious I was going to Heaven.@

Mr. Raphael cleared his throat. AAhem. Orvey ole boy. You=re god-awfully lucky your not going straight to Hell in a handcart B not just yet at any rate.@

AWhat do you mean?@ Orville=s forehead wrinkled up. He was worried now.

AYou see, your going to court.@

AHuh?@

AYou=re going on trial.@

AEh?@

ATo weigh yours deeds and misdeeds.@

AWhat?@

AThis is your Judgement Day!@ Mr. Raphael snapped.

Orville didn=t speak for a second or two, being speechless. Then he said, ASo exactly what does that mean. I mean, in plain English?@

Mr. Raphael sighed heavily, wondering how this poor fool even got this far.  

ANow listen, Orvey ole boy.  Here=s the deal.  If you plead guilty, you=ll only get a billion years in Hell.  However, if you plead innocent and they discover you=re really guilty as sin, then you get eternal damnation. Got it?@

AEither way it sounds awfully severe.@

AYes, it is!@      

ABut what if I plead insanity?@ Orville suggested.

Mr. Raphael shook his head, ANah, they don=t buy that crap up here. Besides everybody=s insane on Earth anyway.@

A. . . Oh . . .@

ASo you gotta decide which way you=ll plead.@

Orville gulped in despair, then asked, AWhat chance do I have then?@

ANone,@ Mr. Raphael shot.  AIt=s a crap shoot either way. Whichever you choose, you=ll lead a pretty miserable existence. So either way your doomed, my boy.@

AOh my God,@ Orville sighed, the full shock finally hitting him.

AYeah, start praying. Because, if your lucky, I mean really lucky, the Old Man Upstairs might pardon you for your misguided deeds, that is, if they=re outweighed by a few good deeds B which I doubt in your case. Or if that doesn=t work, if by some remote chance in hell he likes you, he might at least grant you bail, or--@

Orville snapped, gritting his teeth. ASir, give it to me straight. I can take it.@

AOkay. Here it is. Either way you=re doomed.@

AI knew it! I felt it coming!@ Then he screamed, AI can=t take it!@

AShush!  Calm down. You=ll wake the dead! They=re right downstairs!@ Mr. Raphael pointed straight down.

 AOh, sorry.@ Orville grinned weakly. And since they had just gotten on the subject, he ventured to ask, ABut is Hell really all that bad a joint?@

AWell,@ Mr. Raphael rubbed his white chin. AI hear it comes in second place to the Hiroshima incident, according to St. Pete=s rating system.@

ASo it=s not bad, right?@ Orville remained blindly hopeful.

AHmmm . . . Let=s just say it=s bad enough. But your chances of withstanding a healthy nuclear  blast is a sorry exchange in comparison.@

AHm. Well, I guess I=ll just have to live with it.@ Orville sighed in despair.

Mr. Raphael smiled, AWhy worry about living with anything? You=re dead now.@

AOh, yeah, I forgot.@ Orville smiled in a sickly manner.

Then Mr. Raphael started walking up the pearly, diamond-studded path again, Orville following. ASo, Orvey ole boy, take my advice.  Forget what=s ahead. Just remember all your best memories from Earth. Relive them over and over again so that the anguish and torment of Hell doesn=t get to you.@

Orville grinned slyly, ALike that heavenly night with Brandy Lovelace?@

Mr. Raphael shook his head. AHeavenly? Ha! For those kind of memories you=ll have hell to pay, my boy. She was a two-bit hooker.@

AOh, then that was a sin, huh?@ Orville asked cluelessly.

AOf course! You did it Sunday morning! And at 11:00 a.m. while people were in church!@

AHmm. I never thought of that.@ Orville scratched his head.

AYou never were good at thinking, my boy. Now, if you=d have waited till Noon on the nose, well, you=d have been saved by the bell.@

ASorry. I didn=t know.@

AWell now you know.@

AWhat good it=ll do me now. It=s too late.@

AToo bad, Orvey ole boy--@ 

  AAnd stop calling me that!@

 

They finally came to the end of the long pearls and diamonds sidewalk. Then they began to climb gleaming blue and white marble stairs, twelve of them, but they were so wide, you couldn=t see  either end for infinity.

Orville pondered futilely, ASo I don=t get it. I didn=t know a lot of things B until now. It=s like back on Earth I was minding  my own business and then I guess broke rules I didn=t even know existed B til now. That isn=t fair at all.@

AYou just weren=t paying attention, Orvey B er Orville. You see, as far as most ignorant people are concerned, Life on Earth is a Game, but the object is that you have to figure out what the hell the rules are.@

AHmm. Yeah, I think you=re right. I was playing that stupid game all along.@

ABut in reality, it isn=t a game at all! The rules are plastered all over the place! You just gotta look around you.@

AWell, I never saw any rules plastered anywhere. Where were they?@

Mr. Raphael shook his head, ADon=t be so literal, Orvey. It=s like this. You touch the hot stove, you burn your hand. You  walk out into traffic, you=re roadkill. You wack Mickey, you spend time in the slammer.  You steal the Family jewels, someone wacks you. You stick your finger in the socket, you get an electric shock. Or, in your case, sticking anything else where it doesn=t belong, you get zapped. Repercussions, my boy. Know what I mean?@

            ANo.@ Orville shrugged.

Mr. Raphael sighed, AWhat goes around comes around. What you put out, you get back.@

AOh. I thought that was some crazy religious scare tactic, not rules of the game.@

Mr. Raphael sighed while rolling his eyes up into his head. AYou=re hopeless.@

AI figured that.@ Orville frowned.

The two walked between two monolithic white pillars and entered a humongous cathedral type spanning hall, which seemed to have no end in sight. But then most people didn=t have enough sight to see infinity anyway. Next they took a right turn, and stepped through  a door, and entered a tiny little room with a very tall desk at one end, which was cluttered with stacks of nondescript papers and forms and documents and other heavenly legal whatnot. Orville noticed the OUT box was plum full, while the IN box was empty. He was afraid of what that might imply. Hell=s list of recruits was long? Or was it the other way around?  Hmm . . .

Behind the messy desk sat another white bearded white robed gentleman, who glowered down at them with thick bushy brows.

            Orville whispered, AIs that -- God?@

ANo,@ Mr. Raphael muffled a chuckle. AIt=s ole St. Pete.@

AOh. He looks more like Moses.@

ANah. Actually Moses looks more like Charlton Heston.@

AWhy is this court room so small?@

AIt=s not a court room.  It=s St. Pete=s office. The court room is filled to the max right now. So we got slotted directly here.@

AOh. Is that good or bad?@

AHmmm. In your case, bad.@

AHow bad?@

AIt means St. Pete will buzz through your mess in a mere four years instead of the usual several centuries it takes for normal human beings to go on trial.@

AI see.@ Orville said gloomily, but he really didn=t see. AEither way, sounds long.@

ATime is different up here. Actually there is no time here. It=s all eternal, you see.@

AOh. But I don=t have that much patience.@

AYou should have learned that on Earth.@

ANo one told me that!@

ASILENCE!@ shouted St. Pete, his Heston-type glare searing into Orville=s very soul.

Orville and Mr. Raphael shut up and stood at attention, backs straight, arms to sides, chests out, guts in, and chins up. 

AThat=s more like it.@ The old white bearded saint still frowned.

Raphael nudged the poor fellow and whispered, ANow, Orvey, step forward.@

Orville Snodgrass nervously stepped forward, as he found it hard to look up over the edge of the desk and into those smoldering brown eyes of doom that pierced his very being.

Then St. Peter growled, AHow do you plead?@

Orville protested, AW-w-wait!  D-d-don=t I get a trial?@

AHow do you plead?@ the impatient old saint snapped like a barbed whip.

AB-b-b-b-but, sir! Your grace! Your excellence! Your high and mighty St. Peterness!@

AHOW DO YOU PLEAD!@ St. Pete growled horrendously, leaning over his desk now.

Orville trembled, and looked at his lawyer, who just shrugged. Orville felt no support whatsoever. He was doomed.

Then Orville remembered what Mr. Raphael had said earlier, either a billion years in Hell or eternal damnation. So much for the lesser of two evils. So he had to make a choice.

Then Orville spoke, looking down. AG-g-g-guilty, your honor.@

Then St. Peter snarled down at the pathetic sniveling little man, AGuilty? How can you be so  critical of yourself, Mr. Snodgrass?@ Then the old saint smiled as his eyes gleamed with compassion.

AWhat?@ Orville was confused, looking up now.

Then St. Pete grabbed the gable and slammed it hard on his desktop thunderously, shattering poor Orville=s ears completely, as the old saint announced, AThrow this case out! There=s nothing here! It=s a waste of my precious eternity! Send him back to Earth!@

AW-w-w-what?@ Orville shrieked. That was the last place he wanted to go! That was a worst hell then Hell itself! AI-I-I don=t understand!@

Raphael grabbed his arm and ushered him hastily out the door and into the grand hall. They stood there, huddled in conference.

Mr. Raphael smiled, AYou got off lucky, Orvey ole boy.@          

AReally?@ Orville frown-smiled, which meant he was still confused.

AYes. You weren=t bad enough for Hell, but not good enough for Heaven.  So when they can=t decide, or don=t have time to decide, they send folks back to Earth. You start all over again.  Kind of a second chance program.@

AYou mean I become a baby again? Gotta go through diapers all over?@

ASure! How else? But the good thing is, you forget your old past. It=s like getting permanent amnesia.  It=s painless that way.@

AI see,@ Orville nodded, not sure he liked such a prospect.

AYes, you get a fresh start again. We=ve been doing it that way for thousands of years actually.  But the boys in the Central Control Dept. have been slipping up a little too drastically lately, giving people too many second chances.@

AI don=t get it.@

Mr. Raphael put his hand on Orville Snodgrass=s shoulder and smiled, AYou see, you may have been sent back to Earth possibly seven hundred times already.@

AWhat? Really?@

AYes, really. So much for the one-lifetime guarantee system.@

AGuarantee? I don=t get it.@

AIt=s not guaranteed like we thought. The idea was to give you just one measly life on Earth, then scare the crap out of you by threatening eternal hellfire and damnation so you straighten up and fly right, right into Heaven, that is.@ He shook his head. ADidn=t work.@

AI never bought into that long-term damnation crap anyway. Sounded fishy.@ Orville grinned.

AIndeed, my boy. But on the other hand, the multiple times back to Earth scenario has its flaws too.@

AHow=s that?@

AThe drawback is that there=s a large vacancy in Hell right now. But likewise, the many mansions in Heaven awaiting the good little souls are getting cobwebs as well.@

Orville scratched his chin, AYeah, I see the dilemma.@

ABut the beauty of it is that the Earth gets to be in such a mess instead. It=s got saints and sinners alike.@

AHmm. What a crazy system.@

ABut it seems to work. Keeps the riff-raff out of Heaven, and undeserving wretches out of Hell.  So it=s as fair as you can get.@

ASo, we do it over and over again. Fascinating.@

AThe boys in Central Control decided to call it Reincarnation.@

AHmm. Rings a bell.@

AActually it=s an old concept people back on Earth thought about for a while, so the Old Boy  Upstairs decided to try it out on them.@

AI see.@ Orville replied, not really seeing anything.

AThe idea is that either way you got a thousand lifetimes to get your act together, or a thousand chances to get it right the first time around.@

Orville thought that through, contemplated it, pondered on it, and still didn=t get it. So he grunted, AHuh?@

Mr. Raphael stared and frowned at him, realizing the befuddled fellow just didn=t get it. Especially when Orville asked his next question.

ASo, will I ever get to go to Heaven?@

Mr. Raphael sighed heavily. And not for the last time.

AI mean B am I at least off the hook as far as not going to Hell?@

ANot as long as you think the way you do, Orvey.@

AWhat do you mean?@

Putting his hand on Orville=s shoulder, Mr. Raphael said, AYou see, down there on Earth, you folks got it all, everything from Hell all the way up to Heaven, from saints to sinners, you know.  Between that is people like Joe Average and Mediocre Max. Or like you, Orville Snodgrass.@

AMe? What=s people like me?@

AWell, at least Joe and Max do something. They may sin a little here, do a few good works there. But you do nothing. Yeah, you=ve sinned some, but nothing that amounts to much, nothing that makes you learn anything from your mistakes, you see.  But worst of all, there=s no good works from you. You=ve led a meaningless, pointless, boring life. So you fall between the cracks. You sit in that grey area and vegetate.@

AOh,@ Orville replied, still not getting it.

“You’ve done nothing and learned nothing. That makes you a nobody.”

“Hmmm.” The clueless clod scratched his head.

Mr. Raphael hoped he would get a smidgen of something through poor Orville=s concrete skull. A futile hope at best. So he continued.  AAlright.  There are three kinds of people in the world.@

AAgain?@

AIt=s a different one. There=s those that make things happen. Those that watch things happen. And then you.@

AMe?@ Orville pointed to his chest.

AYes. You.  You=re the people who wondered what the hell happened.@

AI don=t get it.@ Orville shrugged.

Mr. Raphael sighed drearily. ALet=s just say, Orvey ole boy, you=re scheduled to go back to the drawing board B and fast!@

AWhat? Huh? Eh?@

Suddenly a square hole opened up in the cloud and Orville Snodgrass fell through. He fell and fell and fell, down, down, down, and down back to Earth.