It -- rather, he or she B was a confused mess! The human monster was a victim of idiotic circumstances,

 a creation of irreparable madness B that being the good Dr. Oscar Frankenstein.

The mad doctor enthusiastically threw the large switch that suddenly initiated swirling Tesla-lightning and sizzling electrical currents from the circular pulsating regeneration unit above and coursing down into the limp, horizontal, large body strapped to the operating table. Then the body jerked several times in horrifying spasms.

AAh-HA! It lives!” Dr. Oscar Frankenstein cried. A It’s alive! I have given it life!” His wiry silver hair stood on end in the midst of all the coursing electricity of rejuvenation. Then he yelled off into some vague dark corner somewhere, AGreat-great-great Grand-Uncle Victor! Eat your bloody heart out!” He laughed like the stark raving mad scientific maniac he truly was.

Then the human monster B created from miscellaneous sutured body parts of the doctors dead relatives and a few friends B  began to twitch and squirm about, fingers and toes wiggling, eyelids fluttering, empty stomach growling B or was that from its parched parting lips?-- as the sizzling currents zapped through it, or him, or whatever the thing was.

The mad doctor B standing safely behind a glass shield where the control console was, but still near enough to appreciate the spectacular scene of the flashing, buzzing light show B laughed insanely, eyes bugging out, his hand still pressing down the main switch which was infusing life-giving energy to a mere sack of flesh and bones.

Then the thing on the metal table began to wrestle around with the thick straps, large hands  tugging furiously,  breaking one, then the other, then his arms flapped free as he struggled to sit up, realizing he couldn’t. Then he angrily ripped at his leg straps, setting himself free at last. But the scintillating bolts of light and currents of electricity still zapped through him from the regeneration unit above, which started to really irritate the creature now.

The human beast sat up, craned its neck toward the incoherent doctor, and a horrible frown sprawled across its face, or his face, or whatever kind of face this was. Then it growled, AENOUGH ALREADY!”

Dr. Oscar Frankenstein frowned, and drew the switch down to cease the tumultuous, fiery display of the dazzling apocalyptic extravaganza that had been giving him a walloping emotional rush. 

The wild-haired, wild-eyed scientist rubbed his hands together as the electrical currents and the sizzling and the buzzing died down to a deep moan, then down to nothing. Grinning madly, he beheld his wondrous creation, who frowned in disgruntlement.

The mad doc cried, looking up to the ceiling, where various ghosts of the Frankenstein family probably floated around. AI have done it! I have done the impossible! The impossible! You hear me? I have created a living, breathing thing of handsome beauty! Yes! I have manufactured an organic creation of monumental proportions! I have--”

AOh shut up!” the monster snapped, as it struggled to hoist his or its legs over the side of the table, then steadying itself so it didn’t fall over, still getting used to the idea of being alive.

Oscar chuckled wildly. AAnd it talks! Yes! It speaks to me! It--”

AHey, bub! I’m a  he, you bloody fool!” the human beast shot. AYou did give me manly parts, didn’t you?”

The doc stared into space, a space several feet from the monster’s head, not wanting to look him or it directly in the eyes, which were dark pools of bloodshot depths of monstrosity. Then the madman began to mutter, AWell, uh, I, uh, I used, uh, whatever available parts, uh, I had lying around the lab.

The monster frowned, feeling around his body, his chest, down further, then nodded. AYeah. I’m a guy. So call me a  he. Alright?”

The doc looked down, still wide-eyed. AWell, uh, that’s good to know, but, uh, but--”

ABut what, doc? Spit it out! What aren’t you telling me?”

AUh, uh, I was, uh, you see, uh, I was in a mad rush when it came to filling in the abdominal cavity, yes, uh,  so, uh, I used Aunt Ingrid’s  uh, uh, uh, uh--”

AWhat?!” The monster felt his abdominal area, then looked up, AI got a uterus?! Holy crap!”

AUh, uh, uh, yes,” the doc concluded.

The monster shook his head, AYou’re incredible!”  Then he rested his big head into his big palms.

AUh, thanks.”

ALet me rephrase that.  Incredibly stupid for a scientist!  You made me into a she-man! A fricking hermaphrodite!”

AWell, well, uh, you see, that way, uh, you can carry on your species, yes, yes, that’s it.”

ASo I can get impregnated?  What were you thinking? Don’t you think I’m going through enough emotional anguish here? Just for being alive? Did you ever ask me?”

AUh, uh, well, no, you were, uh, dead at the time.”

The monster sighed heavily, eyes rolling upward. AOh, well sorry about that. Excuse me for living now!”

AYes! You are alive now! How wonderful!” Oscar clapped weakly.

AHey, I’m the tortured victim here!” the monster pointed to his big chest.  AYou should at least put me back under and rearrange me a little, give me all male parts B  inside especially! Then I might not bitch so much.” At that he laid back down, flat on his back. ASo give me the ether, doc.”

AUh, uh, well, you don’t understand, uh, you see, I tried several times before, and all the other victims B er, uh, subjects, uh,  stayed, uh, uh, dead. You’re the only one that came to life. You’re the only one who survived the animation procedure. Uh, uh, uh, yes.”

The monster sat up suddenly. AWhat? You mean I’m stuck this way?”

AUh, uh, more or less, I imagine.”

The monster frowned, AThat figures.”

AUh, you see, if I put you under, you might not come back to life, uh, you might stay dead.”

The monster laid back down. AGood. Things are looking up already. Put me under. Give me ether or give me death.”

AWhat? You don’t want to live? To live a long glorious life?”

ANot in this horrible state I’m in! I, your hideous creation, am an insufferable mess of confusion. I don’t know if I’m coming or going.”

AOh, you’ll get over it. You’re not exactly human anyway--”

The creature sat up again. ANot human? What am I then? You put me together with spare parts and pieces of your aunts and uncles and probably your mom and dad B yuck! I wanna throw up!”

AUh, uh, sorry.” Oscar began to get a glimmer of a hint that he had probably made a mistake. But he refused to admit it. AUh, you’ll be okay.”

AYou don’t get it, doc! I’m a living jumble of turmoil! A total botch job!”

 AJust calm down, boy. Why don’t I give you a tasty protein drink I made just for you!” Oscar reached over to a tall glass of green funky mess.  AAnd we can discuss things like, uh,  the weather, or your name,” Then he took a sip of the slop and gagged. Then turned to spit it out in a nearby sink in some dark corner. Then  he looked up into space again.  AYes! I need to give it a name!  I know! I will name this human beast after me! Frankenstein!”

ANo. I like Fred better.”

AYes! Frederick Frankenstein! After Uncle Frederick, the mortician! Yes!”

ANo, just Fred. As in Fred the Great.”

AYou mean Frederick the Great.” The doc walked over toward Fred and handed him the protein drink.

Fred, the newly monikered monster, slapped it out of Oscar’s hand, and the glass of putrid muck crashed to the concrete floor, shattered glass and slime splattering everywhere.

AOh my! Your first outburst! Not good!” Oscar burst out.

AYeah! And I want a rare sirloin steak and a baked potato! I’m a growing boy, you know.”

AUh, uh, uh--”

AWith the exception for certain female organs you perversely shoved into me!”

AUh, well you’re all man on the outside, uh, Frederick. No one will know.”

AIt’s Fred, and I will know! I’m the one suffering here, not you! I will be haunted for the rest of my monstrous life!” Fred cried miserably. ABetter that a millstone be hung around my bolted, thick neck and sink me to the bottom of the ocean than I remain living.”

AUh, don’t be so cruel to yourself--”

AThen maybe I should be cruel to he who created me!” The monster slapped Oscar daintily like an insulted lady.

The doc scurried back, hand on his mildly injured face. AYou slapped me! You awful beast you!”

AOh, shut up. It was a mere love tap. I think I got a thing for you.”

AOh my goodness.”

Then Fred frowned. ANow that was horrible. I look like a guy, but have feelings for another guy? A fellow of the same sex? Sheesh! No, wait, I got it both ways, so I’m worst then the opposite sex!  I got both sexes! Does that mean I’m over-sexed? O-o-o-o-oh!  I’m so confused!” Fred put his hands to the sides of his face as he wept miserably.

AIt’s okay, uh, maybe we should call you Frederica instead--”

ANo! Just Fred!” the monster snarled.  AI’ll stick it out being a guy even if it kills me! Which isn’t a bad idea.  Hey, let’s play a game. We try to kill each other. Whoever dies first, wins.”

AOh my.” Oscar got that inkling notion again that he possibly made a mistake, and if he didn’t admit it soon, he might not live long enough to regret it.

Fred grumbled on. ASo I hope you kill me. Hmm. But then, the idea of me killing you sounds good too, kind of like revenge for giving me this pathetic thing you call life.”

ABut, but, but, you don’t understand. I had to do this thing, uh, I had to reanimate you to prove that I can do it. Yes! I had to give you life, uh, I had to--”

AOh! I get it! It’s like the mountain. Why do fools climb it? >Cuz its fricking there!”

AUh, uh, uh, well, uh, yes, more or less.”

AHey, there’s more or less of me here, buddy, unless you put me under and fix me up. Make me a whole man B or monster. You can rebuild me.”

AWell, uh, uh, I don’t know.”

AListen, doc! I don’t wanna go through life vacillating between two different sexes! I’ll scare everyone away, if I don’t scare myself away first. So, while you’re at it don’t bother to hand me a mirror. To behold the nightmare that is me can wait. Forever.”

AOh my, what have I done? I have created life, and it’s not satisfied with itself.” Oscar finally began to realize he probably did make a mistake, but he was taking it very hard now. He didn’t want to admit it too easily.  He wondered off into some dark corner, mumbling incoherently.

Fred called out, AHello-o-o! I’m over here! Or are you speaking to your dead relatives? Oh, that’s right, they’re all right here inside of me! And outside too! Oh, look at this! This must be Aunt Gertrude. Oh, this is Uncle Hans. And this is cousin Herman. And this is what’s left of dear old Dad! Now, where’s Mom hiding? Oh, the big boney hips! I should have known!  At least you gave me cousin Gustav’s you-know-what. Not too shabby. That gives me some shred of hope.”

Dr. Oscar Frankenstein shook his head, looking down, and returned to his controls behind the glass shield. AVery well, Fred, or Frederica, or whoever you are. I will take you back under. I will try again. Lay back down.”

But Fred sat there on the operating table, scratching his manly, stubbly chin. AWait. As precious as life is, and if the chance of me coming back is rather remote, maybe I should live a few days and think about this. See if I can get used to being what I am B a horrible disfigured piece of slime scraped off the sole of the earth’s shoe. At least I can run around town like a lunatic and scare the crap out of everyone. That should be fun. They’ll cry, >Look at the freak! He’s hideous! Let’s run for our lives!’ Yeah, that should be fun.” Fred grinned madly.

ABut, but, but, uh, I think that’s not a very good idea, uh, Fred.”

AI think it’s a fabulous idea, doc! I can chase screaming people and bop them on the heads, or I can crush the life out of them, squeeze them to death with my massively strong manly arms, give them all a bear hug. Watch their eyes bug out and jump out of their sockets. Yeah, that sounds like lots of fun!”

AUh, uh, uh, I think that’s a very bad idea.”

AAnd I will start with you, doc!” The monster jumped off the table with a heavy thump that shook the whole lab floor. Then he slowly crept toward Oscar, arms outstretched like a zombie. AThen I should moan monster-like, right? Mo-o-o-a-a-a-n-n-n. Like that.”

AUh, uh, uh--” Oscar backed away, bumping into furniture and lab equipment, knocking things over.

AYeah, people think I’m just a stupid monster, so I will play the part. Just like my old descendant, old whats-its-name, the Monster. Didn’t Doc Victor call him Frankie?”

AUh, uh, that was just a bad rumor, an awful joke at best, uh, no one called him that really. He was just the Monster. Hollywood confused things horribly.”

AOh, I see.” Fred approached further, Oscar backing away still. ASo Hollywood christened the Monster with the good old name of his demented creator, eh?  How ironic.”

“Uh, I suppose.”

 “So in real life Victor didn’t name him? What a heel!”

ABut, but, but, I’ve given you a name--”

Fred stopped lumbering and snapped. ANo you didn’t! I did! I named myself! And the name is Fred! At least I’m smarter than old Frankie! He had no sense! I bet old Doc Victor gave him a pig’s brain!”

AWell, uh, uh, that is just another silly rumor, uh, uh--”

AI knew it! There were no human brains available! So Frankie had the mind of a pig! He couldn’t stand himself like that, so no wonder he acted crazy and ran around killing people!”

AUh, uh, one version of the account says he was given the brain of a criminal.”

ALittle difference.”        

ABut, but, but this is a new era, a new millennium! This is 2009! You see, uh, things are different! We have plenty of human brains around! The world population has multiplied by by by, uh, uh, let me see, uh, uh--”

AI’m glad you didn’t give me your brain. You’re a raving idiot! Tell me whose brain you gave me!”

AUh, uh, we happened to have a fellow lying around Bdead, of courseB named Al, actually Albert, but you got only half of his brain, uh, more or less.”

AOh, I see. So I got a half a brain! Better than being a no-brainer, eh?”

AActually, uh, come to think of it, uh, it was a quarter of it. Even half of this man's brain would be equivalent to a whole brain in most people, uh, more or less.”

AWhat?”

AYou see, you have a piece of Albert Einstein’s brain.”

AOh, I see, another Stein. Figures.”

AWell, uh, more or less.”

AHow about if I more or less tear you apart?” Fred reached his monstrous arms out as he began lumbering again.

And Oscar backed away again. ABut, but, but--”

ANot only do you fix me up so I can swish both ways, but I got a piece of a genius’s grey matter sloshing around up in my cranium!” Fred pointed to his head.  ANo wonder I’m figuring things out!  I bet you figured I’d be just a bumbling, brainless clod who chases poor innocent people around town all day long instead of stopping to address my dire emotional problems with some shrink B you’re not a shrink are you?”

ANo, not at all, but, but, but, I did study psychology for a few years--”    

AFigures. So for fixing me up so good, I think I’ll turn you into miscellaneous body parts, so your pathetic son will grow up to be just like you and all your wretched monster-making descendants who created horrible freak-shows like me! Right?” Fred’s large arms and hands hovered over Oscar who had been backed into a dark corner.

ANo! I just wanted a worthy companion to play chess with! That’s all!”

The arms lowered down to his side, and Fred took one step back, only inches from his first murder.  AOh.”

AThat’s why I gave you a piece of Einstein’s brain.” Oscar smiled weakly.

AI see.” Fred scratched his head. AI suppose I might prolong your wretched life just a tad longer.”

Oscar sighed in relief. ABless your soul.”

AIf I have a soul.  I bet you forgot to put that in!”

AUh, uh, uh, that’s not my department.”

AYou’re pathetic! So I’m a soulless creature with both sexes and I have a jumble of mixed up brains. I’m pathetic too!”

AUh, sorry.”

AI’ve gotta have a soul. Of all your family members I’m made up of, I wonder whose soul I got?”

AUh, I never figured that into the equation. Maybe you don’t have a soul.”

AHey! I’m alive! That should constitute me having a soul!”

AUh, I don’t even know what a soul is.”

ANether do I, doc, but I bet it differentiates whether a person is dead or alive. Duh!”

AHmm. I never thought of that.”

AWho’s the mental midget here? Jeez Louise!”

AHey, I’m not a theologist -- just a scientist.”

AYeah, a mad one at that!”

Oscar shrugged, AWhatever.”

AAt least I got brains. That’s something. But whose other brains did you put in up there?”

AUh, uh, well, uh, you have some of Aunt Ingrid’s, some of Uncle Hans, and also Cousin Herman’s--”

AAnd he was a real monster, too.”

ANo, uh, you’re thinking of Munster, a different side of the family.”

AThe far side, I expect.”

AAnd you also got a smidgen of Victor’s.”

AWhat?!”  Fred shot. A The brain of the original madman himself? The demented maniac who started it all? Who caused the whole domino effect of monstrous morbidity?”

AUh, uh, yes. Him.”

AYou idiot! You put my archenemy in my head! Frankie hated Victor for creating him. So it follows, you created me, so I hate you! So I am destined to kill you!”

ANo, uh, you don’t have to kill me, uh, this is a new era, a new millennium--”

AShut up with that crap! Prepare to meet your Maker! Ha! I’ve met mine, and I don’t like him!”

With outstretched arms, he lumbered after Oscar who had just slipped out from the dark corner and ran across the large lab.

AYou can run all over the freaking lab but you can’t hide in here for too long.” He knocked  over the extra long operating table which was in his way.

Oscar ran behind some crates and whined,  AUh, I just wanted a new chess companion, that’s all.”

 AI hate chess! It’s boring!” Fred growled, grabbing the shielded control console and throwing it across the lab.  AAnd what do you mean by a new chess companion? What happened to the last one?  Huh?”

AUh, uh, uh, he had the rest of Einstein’s brain, but there was an overload, so he burned himself out in the first hour of life.”

AYou’re an idiot!” Fred grabbed a coffin and threw it at Oscar, who ducked.

AHey, that’s Uncle Bart! Or parts of him.”

AA worthless hunk of flesh!” Next he reached up and grabbed the Tesla-powered  regenerator unit and tossed it against a wall as miniature lightning bolts shot all around. ACool!” Fred grinned.  Then he grabbed something else that looked like a large glass tube-like chamber with a control console attached to it. He stopped. AHmm. What’s this?”

AUh, uh, a time machine,” Oscar blurted, regretting it as he quickly covered his mouth with his hand. Good illustration of speaking before you think, a stupid practice.

AWell! Things are looking up again!” Fred grinned.  AI can go back and change this whole freaking mess around!”

AUh, no, I was just kidding. Uh, it’s a shower stall actually. Yes, that’s it.”

Fred glared at Oscar. ADoc, don’t lie to me. I got a quarter of Einstein’s brain. I can put two and two together. I can figure things out.”

AUh, well, more or less. Uh, but I bet you don’t have brains enough to figure out how to operate it.”

AI bet a moron could figure it out.”  Fred grinned. AAnd I got a notion that I’m not exactly a moron.”

Oscar chuckled. AAccording to what you just said, uh, that means if you’re not a moron, then you can’t figure it out, if only a moron can.”

AYou are a moron, aren’t you? A stupid one at that. I bet you take people literally all the time.”

Then Fred looked down at the controls and read the words on the knobs and levers. On, off, slow, fast, uptime, downtime, etc. AHmm, yeah, I think I know how to work this thing.”

AUh, I wouldn’t recommend it. I only sent rabbits and chimps back in time so far. They didn’t return.”

AGood. I won’t return either. I’ll go back and kill Doc Victor before he creates poor old Frankie. That’ll be the end of that story B before it ever gets started.” He smiled wickedly.

AUh, uh, uh--”

AShut up!” Fred backhanded Oscar, who flew off into some dark corner, where he lay moaning and licking his wounds.  Incidentally, there were a lot of dark corners in this large laboratory.

AHmm.  I think it all began in the year 1818, or somewhere around there, if the hectic memories in my multiple brains are correct.”  But as Fred reached down to haphazardly monkey with the knobs, there was a humming sound and a flash of light as something materialized inside the glass chamber, some big ugly galoot that could have been Fred’s brother. It had to hunch down since the chamber was not high enough. 

AHi. I’m Fritz. You must be Fred,” the newly arrived monster stepped out of the tube as a glass door slid open.

AWhat’s the deal? How’d  you get in there?” Fred B due to his scrambled brains -- didn’t quite get it. He might have been mildly smart, but not that mildly smart.

Fritz replied AI came from the year 2029 to stop this freaking mess.”

AReally? That’s what I was gonna do.”

ACool! Let’s wreak some bodacious havoc together!”

The two gritted their moldy teeth and growled in unison.

Fritz said, AWell if my calculations are correct, this is 2009, right?  Where Oscar makes the next of many hideous Frankensteinish blunders in a long unsuccessful line of other such blunders to come.”

AYeah, that’s right.”

AThen let’s destroy his lab and him so it never happens.”

Fred shakes his big head. AGood idea there, but you obviously haven’t gone back far enough.”

AI haven’t?”

ALet’s see if I can explain this. When you get rid of a weed in the garden, you don’t just chop it off with a spade; you gotta dig down and get the roots too. Then it never grows back.”

Fritz glared at him. AWhat crap are you blathering?”

AHmm.” Fred hit the left side of his noggin. AThat must be where Uncle Hans’s brain is; he was the family gardener.”

Fritz sighed, eyes rolling up inside his head. AYou’re just another horrid botch-job, aren’t you?”

Fred grinned, AJust like you!”

AWell, it gets worse as the years escalate.”

AOh yeah? What can be worse than me?  And Oscar gave me both sexes, too many brains to keep track of, and I probably have no soul.”

AYou’re alive, aren’t you?” Fritz pointed out.

Fred shrugged. ABarely.”

Fritz smiled sinisterly, AWell, I can top you.”  He pulled his pants down and revealed elephant legs and ducks’ feet. Fred screamed. Fritz quickly pulled his pants up. AIt gets worst. I have the torso of an ape,  and forelimbs of a panther. Old Doc Ralph Frankenstein of 2029 ran out of people's body parts, the human race is dying out up there, so he resorted to animal parts, wants to repopulate the earth with monsters or some new breed of creature or something.”

AHow terrible!” Fred held his head in his big hands. It was then he realized why Fritz’s hands seemed abnormal; they were large cat’s paws.  AWell, at least you got a human head.”

ANope. This is a shaved ape’s head.”

AOh. No wonder you look butt-ugly.”

AGee, thanks.”

AI’m afraid to ask whose brains you got?”

Fritz’s belted out a walloping apish hoot and holler. Fred jumped back. Then Fritz’s laughed. AGotcha! Ha ha! Just kidding. I did that to Doc Ralph too, scared the lunch right out of him.”

AUh, Fritz, my brother.” Fred put his big hand on the other’s shoulder. AI got a sick feeling if you do that ape-call at all, whether in jest or not, it’s most likely >cuz one of your brain pieces is an ape’s.”

Sudden realization hit Fritz, as he began to ape-hoot and beat his chest. Then he growled, AThis whole freaking thing has gone way too far! Let’s trash the joint!”

AHold it! Like I said, pull the weed out by the roots.”

ANot that crap again!”

AI mean, we gotta go back to the beginning of it all to end it all. Oscar’s insane work is just a mere reflection of his demented predecessors.”

AIt is? Really? Does that have something to do with your stupid roots theory?”

AUh, yeah. The first of the line of mad lunatics is Dr. Victor Frankenstein. He’s our man B a very sick man, actually. He created horrifying creatures, and so did his despicable descendants. Look at us, for instance. Repulsive, eh?”

AThat’s putting it mildly.”

AIf he died early in life, before he ever started playing God, we’d never have to suffer this way.”

AOr worst, if he was never born, we’d never be born.”

AHmm. A scary thought, but a doable sacrifice. You want to live like this for the rest of your life, Fritz?”

Fritz ape-hooted again. ANope.”

AMe neither. But making him unborn may not be that easy.”

AWhy not? Just go back in time and whack Victor’s ma and pa, hence preventing the birds and the bees from doing their silly thing.”

AToo sinister. I got a better idea.”

AWhat?”

APayback.” Fred grinned sinisterly.

AHuh?”

AYou’ll see.”

AHmm. Is it gruesome and grisly?”

ADefinitely!”

AAlright, I’m in.  So, what year does the original  Dr. Dementia do his dirty work?”

ASomewhere around 1818.”

AAlright! We’ll end it all together! Let’s go and wreak some horrible havoc on Doc Vic’s evil hide!”

They gritted their teeth and growled in unison -- again. After which Fritz let out a brief ape-hoot and holler.

They set the coordinates for 1818, and somehow the two big monsters managed to hunch down and squeeze into the glass tube, which began to split down the sides, but then the unit flashed with light and the two big galoots appeared in a different lab, or an early version, in the year 1818. Suddenly the glass sides split and shattered completely.  They didn’t care. They were hyped up to wreak some wild and woolly havoc.  They spied some crazed lunatic in some dark corner, doing something dark and sinister most likely, considering he was surrounded by a bunch of miscellaneous body parts laying around all over the floor and a couple of workbenches.

Fred commented, AAh, good. We caught him before he puts old Frankie together.”

AWho’s Frankie?” Fritz’s hairless eyebrows jutted.

AThe first of our hideous kind. A prototype of sorts.”

APoor chap.”

AYes. Now let’s trash this joint. And all of its dark corners.”

Victor, the first mad scientist in history, or horror story legend in our own minds, whichever, craned his neck to see what the commotion was all about on the other side of the lab. When he saw two tall monsters throwing equipment all over the place, the madman ran and yelled and went even more mad.

AWho are you? Where’d you come from? What are you doing to my lab?” Victor demanded, arms flailing about crazily.

AWe’re your worse nightmare -- from the future!” Fred snarled monster-like.

AYeah!” Fritz added with an ape-hoot. AWe’re Frankie’s horrid inbred offspring!”

AWho’s Frankie?”

Fritz and Fred looked at each other. Then Fritz said, ABetter you never find out.”

 The two proceeded to destroy the lab while Victor squawked and ran around like a turkey with its head severely severed.  Which was not far from what was going to happen to him when Fritz and Fred decided to initiate their wild harebrained idea, not far from the sick mind of their creators, mind you.

So to make a short story even shorter, and not as cumbersome as our big heroes, who lumber clumsily around wreaking havoc all the time, the two rebuilt the time machine chamber to fit three people B er, correction, two big seven-foot tall monsters and one short cowering human. Then they returned to the year 2009. They shoved Victor and Oscar together in a tiny room, who had very little time to chat and get acquainted before the next diabolical, perverse experiment was being prepared B by Fred and Fritz, who were not even well-schooled scientists, so anything could go wrong B or so they hoped. Then the mad monsters put the lab back in order again, and they had to rebuild the regenerator unit and control console, or the jumbled semblance of such, so the monster-making apparatus was never the same again, but neither were its builders. 

Then they took the two insane buffoons and B ahem!B expired them, mercifully, it must be noted.  It was necessary for the rest of the experiment, so bear with them. Then the monsters turned Oscar and Victor into one of their own creations B  yes, they chopped them up, juggled around their body parts, and put them back together as one wretched monster, like unto themselves, but with pigs brains. There were left over pieces they didn’t know what to do with, so they fed them to the pigs outside.  Then they reanimated the confused mess of mush with the usual lightning zapping paraphernalia which, in days of yore, used to allow for dramatic cheering and gleeful childlike excitement from the usual mad scientists, but instead, Fritz and Fred sighed heavily when the thing began breathing and then opened its eyes.

AThe damned thing lives. Darn.” Fritz moaned.

AOh well.” Fred groaned. AWe could have aborted the hideous thing.”

ANah. Those anally retentive anti-abortionists would get hostile. I was hoping it would be still born, dead-on-arrival. Then we could toss the carcass into the incinerator. Burn it to a crisp.”

Fred said, AShucks. But now we gotta deal with them Ber, him, or it B whatever.”

When it opened its mouth, it oinked.

AIt lives, and it speaks.” Fritz moaned. AWhat have we done?”

ACreated one sick puppy of a hideous freak.” Fred remarked.

AAnd I thought we were freaks.”

ATakes a freak to make a freak.”

Hence, in the year 2009 a new monster was born, or created, or botched, by two mad monster scientists who thought they ended it all, but in truth they just perpetuated the whole idiotic thing. Little did they suspect. Also, they didn’t know anything about the impossible time travel paradox theory which dictated that when a monster or two go back to kill B or totally discombobulate B the original creator, Victor in this case, that that should create a domino effect, which will cause their own nonexistence, yet it strangely didn’t happen. For the two morons, in their sheer ignorance, naively assumed they would continue to exist regardless, so they did. What you don’t know, won’t affect you, right?  Anyway, whatever freakish thing they did, merely created a new secondary timeline where they continued to exist, weirdly coexistent alongside the original one, yet separately B or some such ridiculous theory. No, it doesn’t make sense, nor does any of this demented story.  Haven’t you noticed that by now?

In the meantime, after a few weeks, Fritz and Fred sat out on the veranda where lush plants grew, sitting at a little patio table playing chess and drinking some fermented beverage out of delicate goblets.

Fritz called, ABring more Vodka, Vic.”

A hideous botched job of a monster lumbered out and poured a bottle into their goblets. AYes, master,” it oinked. Yes, it was a mindless oinking zombie.

AVic? No, it’s Osc.” Fred protested.

ABut it has Victor’s head.”

AAnd Oscar’s torso.”   

Yes it was true. The hideous creature had Victor’s head  -- most of it anyway.  They had to use one or the other, so the rest of Oscar went to the pigs. But the pig brains went to Victor’s head.

Fritz finally said, AWell, actually the creature is both of them. I think we should just call it Frankenstein, which is who they B er, he, or it B  is anyway.”

AYes, I see, as in the REAL Frankenstein monster,” Fred agreed.  AAs decided by the twisted minds at Hollywood.”

AExactly. It’s come full circle at last. Bearing his own name, the mad scientist becomes his own pathetic monster. Gruesome irony there, eh?”

AI agree. Okay. He is so christened Frankenstein. Frankie for short.”

ASo be it. A toast.”

ACheers!” both belted out in unison.

They gulped down their drinks and belched.

AMore Vodka, Frankie.”

AYes, masters, “ Frankie oinked. It even had the traditional flattop  head where they had to cut the top off and insert the pig brain. It also had big bolts on its neck for looks.

After Fred moved a rook across the board, he griped, AThis is boring. I hate chess.”

AYes, I agree.” With his big panther paw, Fritz smashed the whole board and table along with it, enjoying the feel of mass destruction.  AI think we rested up enough. Let’s go wreak more havoc in the village.”

AA jolly good idea!”

*      *      *

And so it goes, the same old crap ensues, just like before. Maybe someday somebody will really and truly end it all, if not two botch-jobs that just perpetuated the same sick fiasco all over again. The Frankenstein monster -- or Frankie for short -- gazed longingly out the window up in the high tower of his little room, seeing his hideous monster masters run around the village below, destroying things like a couple of irreparably raving maniacs, which they were, for he wanted to join them. Actually he was sick of living, he wanted to save himself by undoing himself.  He wanted to end it all once and for all. And them too.  He couldn’t stand them, they who created him, or it, whichever. He couldn’t stand himself either. He had to stop them and their idiotic antics before someone else got hurt. He had to do something about it. It was payback time.

Suddenly, a glimmer of intelligence rattled around up in his little pig brain. A miracle! For he remembered there was a time machine down in the basement lab. Then he had a bright idea.  As he turned for the door, he grinned sinisterly.

We dare ask: will the madness ever cease?

Or is it . . .  the END of it all?!!!

*      *      *

Moral of the story:

Don’t create any messes you don’t want to be responsible for.

*      *      *

Copyright 2006 R. R. Stark

Back